The list of Advice

Dear Abby,

 

I have been married for several years now, but sometime over the last year I contracted a case of herpes.  My wife doesn't show any signs and insists that I contracted it some other way.  I know my wife is faithful, in fact, we've talked about it over the course of our marriage.  Plus, it hasn't been brought up since she returned from a cruise with her college friends last Spring.  What other ways could this have happened to me?

 

Thanks.

 

A bit sore in Atlanta

Dear Crabby (oh, I mean, a bit sore in Atlanta)

Have you ever seen the movie Overboard?  Well I suggest you watch it, it's an epic blockbuster from 1987.  Goldia Hawn does wonders.  Enough about the best film in our generations history and onto your problem.  Now I can understand how this might be puzzling for you.  I awkwardly enough have had a little experience in this arena.  I too once went on a cruise called the 'Celebrity Haaaay' cruise line and found a pool boy named Julio.  He was a Brazilian man cleaning the pool in a green gstring. Anywho, I digress.  What I'm basically trying to say is your wife is a whore and she slept most likely the pool boy.  That or you go to a gym with a bunch of skanks and they don't wash the towels properly.  

Glad I could help. 

-Sally sweet. 

Dear Sore-y in Atlanta,

Have you ever considered that maybe you are the whore? I mean, I don't want to point fingers or anything, but since you know your wife is faithful, it's probably YOU who is cheating. This makes the most sense, and since you are probably exposing your dear, sweet wife to your infected genitals, you should consider lobbing off the offending unit so as not to put your wonderful, wonderful, faithful wife into harms way. 

-kansan erin

Dear Dr. Phil,

 

Hello there Dr. Phil.  Long time reader, first time looking for advice.  Me and my husband, also named Phil :-), have a 14 year old daughter Catherine.  We live on a farm in Texas with many animals and since Catherine is an only child she loves all of them very much.  This is especially true with one of our horses Jeremy.  She spends a lot of time in the stables even when all the chores have been completed.  Sometimes she falls asleep from working so hard and we find her there the next morning!  Anyway, we would like her to make some real friends without taking away her pets and animals.  They've been such a source of happiness for her.

 

Betsy, Dallas

Dearest Betsy in Dallas-

Well first thing, Dallas? Really? Lame.  Are you wearing a cowboy hat right now?  Yeah, I thought so.  Now, I think the best way for you and your child to move past the animals needs to be something monumental.  What do I mean? I mean you just need to make one clear and final gesture that being creepy and hanging out in barns is not ok. Thoughts? I have 2 words for you: Glue Factory

-Nancy Neat. 

Dear Betsy, 

hm...my partner in advice makes a good point. dallas....anyway, all of this talk of horses and a young girl lighting up a cigarette after being out in the barn all night makes me wonder, would your daughter happen to be named for catherine the great? because here's the deal, there is such thing as too MUCH love for a girl, if you no what i mean....no? fine. just buy the girl a vibrator and get on with life. i want some m&ms.

-kansan erin

Dear Abby-

I'm young, single and living in the BIG city. I'm interested in dating but can't look/talk/touch people that I'm really interested in.  Do you have any suggestions for how I can a) get over that and b) nag a hot date?

Dear Young and Single,

First, I find that the biggest inhibitor when it comes to meeting people is common sense.  Maybe you are self-conscious because you are ugly. Or maybe you are really good at reading people's expressions and you know that they find you to be--to put it delicately--awful, overbearing, and unintelligent. So, you don't approach people you might have a sexual interest in because you can tell that you will be rejected by them. never you worry, gentle reader! i have a solution: alcohol. might, mighty alcohol! alcohol not only brings your inhibitions crashing down, but it also makes people who are not so attractive more attractive. so even if you don't get your claws into that hot guy you're eying, you can certainly sink them into his dowdy, sad best friend! either way, the drink is the way to go. or drugs, but they have to be hard drugs. once you've brought someone home with you, they are practically your territory forever, so you can make them be your hot date at any time from there on out. 

Dear Young, Single

Ok let's do A first.  You just get over it - it's that simple.  Now making sure you snag a hot date becomes a bit more tricky.  Well first what you need to do is buy a handkerchief and some nail polish remover.  Now what you want to do is put a mask over your head (given that today is halloween this wont be awkward) and go and hang outside the Ford Modeling Agency.  Put some polish remover into the handkerchief and wait.  Once you see a hottie put the 'hankie' over his mouth until he goes to 'sleep'.  Now, he's yours!  This is very easy.  I do it all the time.  The cops will understand - just tell them your situation and that all you wanted was to get laid.  But if you don't feel comfortable doing this getting drunk is probably your next bets bet - cause yeah, you're probably ugly.  

Dear Abby-

My roomates have forbid me from getting a cat.  how do i work around them to make my dream of becoming a cat lady a reality?'--

Dearest Cat Lady-

Dont' be a crazy cat lady.  It starts with 1 cat then it continues to multiply until you've become that Crazy Cat Lady down the street that no longer notices the stench of cat piss all over her.  Yeah it's best not to venture down that road. 

Dear Cat Lady,

you are crazy. nobody likes apartments that smell like cat pee. i suggest that you move out of your apartment, move into a box and acquire 15 felines STAT. then everyone will know you for who you really are. CRAZY

Dear Abby-

Do you ever forget where your nose is on your face? i do.  what can i do to remedy this situation?

Dear Forgetful,

becky, is that you? i mean, you were talking about not being able to find your nose yesterday, so i just thought....anyway, no. no one ever forgets where their nose is but you. use a mirror. then you will be able to see where to put your zicam swabs. unless you are a vampire and can't see your reflection. in which case, zicam won't help you much anyway.

Dear Nose-body-

Easy. Solution: http://www.orientaltrading.com/ui/browse/processRequest.do?demandPrefix=12&sku=14/329&mode=Searching&erec=10&D=clown+costume&cm_mmc=google-_-otc+sendtec+apparel-_-clown+costume-_-clown+wigs&Ntt=clown+costume&Ntk=all&Dx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&Ntx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&searchTerm=clown+costume&N=0&BP=8917&requestURI=processProductsCatalog&Source=Google&sd=Light-Up+Red+Nose

The list about Theme'd events

(ROY G BIV Party, We were missing O and I)

Things that are annoying about Theme'd events:

When you show up and you're one of the very few people who decided to dress up

When the hosts don't give you proper time to prepare your outfit

The walk of shame the next morning (not that I've ever been there)

Things that ROCK about Theme'd events.

Think of all the possibilities!

It makes your normal boring night out, much more entertaining

Gives you an excuse to buy bright yellow shorts

When else can you really rock a sparkly fanny pack?

You usually get laid

Glitter, body paint, neon are some of the things usually involved

You get to look 'cool' on facebook after people tag the photos of you.

You get to use your creative juices that your job isn't allowing you to utilize.

People will realize you're pretty sweet for participating.

No one will ever say you're boring.

If you get arrested, think of the mug shot!

The list about American Apparel.

Things that are 'good' about American Apparel:

Leg warmers
Head bands
Short shorts
Comfortable, durable, cheap tshirts
High socks
Comfortable briefs
They have a t-shirt that says Legalize it - referring to Immigration rights
They are based in L.A
They give their employees great benefits
The don't send their production overseas into sweat shops

How progressive they are in the publications they use for advertisements

Things that are 'bad' about American Apparel:

The president of the company likes to sleep with the excessively skinny models

Their ads are a little demeaning and exploitive
Every gay man owns the same shit

Wow, really?

So perhaps some of you got my email about this volunteer opportunity in Brooklyn. I had signed up for this organization to help plants trees. I traveled a lot in August and wanted to 'offset' my carbon footprint a little bit. This organization wants $100 for a damn TWIG, so I decided to donate my time instead. Well this day I was suppose to be out in Brooklyn at 9:30am. For those of you who don't know how far away Brooklyn is from my place, well, trust me - it's far. Anywho, I had plans to take it easy Friday night and stay in so I could wake up early. Well, wrong. I got a text from a friend about Boy's night at Fuerza Bruta. This is a picture from the show:Now, I know what you're thinking: 'What the hell?' Well, that's exactly what you think the entire show, but you bask in it's amazement at the same time. This is the type of show that you can't be 100% sober for. So we had dinner and Benton's bright idea was to do sake bombs at dinner, and you know I can't say no to sake bombs. I was successfully tipsy by the time we arrived for the show. I allotted myself to go out after for 1 drink and 1 drink only. Cause in the morning I had to:I even set 4 alarms to wake me up early enough to get there on time! I woke up at 11:45 looking like this:

Ok, not AS bad as this, but I did sleep through my alarm which was annoying since I clearly made an effort to volunteer. Don't worry, I'm checking myself into: www.promises.com

The blog of lists.

Women I'd go straight for:

Angelina Jolie
Tina Faye

Things I think I would die if they never existed:
Crazy straws
High fives
Bubble wrap
Sex
Whoopi Goldberg (yes, there is a reason she's right after sex)
Squirrels
Mango on a stick
Bubbles
Out door Cafes
Pizza when you're drunk
Iced Green Tea
Glitter
Mrs. Butterworths
Grass........man
High Tops
The Beyond section at Bed, Bath & Beyond
When people combine words into 1 by accident
Glitter ballet flats (now I must admit I didn't know these existed until Google suggested them on my sidebar)
Immediately below: Men Bra
All things Pixar

Giant Injustices of the World:
A buzzed Britney
$12 cocktails
The day my gym threw my button up shirt and vest away
The fact that hot dog buns come in packages of 8 and hot dogs come in packages of 10
People naming their kids with all the same first letter.
Blueberries being more than $5 in winter
$3 pizza
A $1.25 banana
The cast of 'Everybody loves Raymond'
Touching yourself for pleasure
Napoleon being so short
A condom being named after a destructive horse
Card catalogues
The 'Try Me' Button when it's broken
Salt and Vinegar chips

Things I find annoying:
You

Lame Insults
The stuff you're suppose to lick on the back of envelopes
The DMV
People who take up the whole sidewalk
3 people in a 4 section bench
Utah
Christmas songs
People talking to me in the elevator
ATM charges
Unrealistic serving sizes
Glitter
Butt sweat
Dogs dressed as Humans
That cotton inside Vitamin bottles
Washing my ankles.
The main thief in Aladdin
Mara's fickle cold shoulder

Favorite Holidays:
Flag Day
Tranny Appreciation Day (you are correct, this is a daily holiday)
Erin give Matthew a $1 day

Fun words to say:
Shimmer
Sparkle
Wahoo
Optimus Prime
Poonany
Glitter

Things that make me gay:
Liza Minelli doing Judy Garland doing Liza Minelli
Planet Unicorn Haaay.
Drop Dead Gorgeous
Kinky Boots (movie and actual object)
White Skinny Jeans
G.I.Joe
Mesh Tank Tops
Glitter
Your mom, naked, on a cold day
Al Sharpton
Rainbow flag matching tea set
Giga Pets
Playing Peter Pan as a child
Neil Patrick Harris
Feather Boas
OMG Shoes
Mojitos
The Washington Monument
RuPaul
Boy George

This Picture:

Garden Ho's
Babies
Jack from Just Jack 2000, and Just Jack 2001
A special locker for my hat

Things that make me straight:
I like to spit

Naps with Erin

Hello All-

Now Erin sleeps over sometime. In case some of you don't know who she is, well, it's not that important. Anywho 'this girl' sleeps over at my place sometimes. I like it. She's enjoyable, and I like the company in bed. Now, I know what you're thinking: wasn't he.......

....well yes I am. This is why this presents a problem. Well I let her sleep over under one condition. I get to build a barrier. It's actually more than a barrier, it looks something like this:


Because I know what she secretly wants which is this:

Erin and I were bored at work, and you benefited....

My dearest Erin-

I have drafted this note to you in order to tell you that I'm quitting my life and moving to Hogwarts. I'm tired of my boring life that involves me moving papers around, shipping things to people, socializing with people I dont really care for, and drinking. Well, let's hope Hogwarts has some great booze, otherwise I'm not going.

Now, I know what you're thinking! This is why I decided to email you and inform you of this decision. Yes! A million times YES! You are MORE than welcome to join me on this adventure. In fact I hope you do, for that train ride looks scary and I don't want to do it alone. Think of it you + me + magic!

Now, comes the part where we have to decide which type of wizards' we want to be. I am shedding this life and with it, my personality (why are you applauding?). So I'm up for suggestions on what type of person to be in the future. All I know is that I don't want to be the red headed one. For I do not like red heads. Except the one from Will and Grace, she's pretty. Enough! That was our old life, no more referencing reality tv shows, the friends we associated with, and a benefit to the both us: our past sexual escapades!

Dear Play Doh Boy,

I recognize your desire to get away from it all (especially the redheads of the world), but really, do you think this is the bests olution? Hogwarts is a boarding school, so I'm sure there's more cocaine than alcohol, and I know you don't like to be away from absolut for too long.

Besides, I've seen the movies, and there only seems to be one or two minorities (although the way Hermione's hair is, she's definitely gotsome coffee in her milk), and now that you live in Harlem, me thinksyou'll miss the colorful palette of humans and Nikes alike.

Alas, if you're set on going to Hogwarts, I'll of course go with you. We'll join the Slytherins, and I shall shed my sunshiny demeanor and torture people by feeding on their insecurities and making them cry themselves to sleep at night. It'll be just like high school all over again. I shall call you Mr. Biggems and you shall wear an eye patch.

Of course, there is still time to reconsider. Maybe instead, we should move to Chicago and be on Dance TV with Sarah Jessica Parker....

Love,Erin

Erin-

As I do in life quite often I have changed my mind. Instead I think you and I shall become reality tv stars. This way you get to be what you've always wanted to be: famous for no reason and I will get laaaaaid.

This way I can have cocaine AND alcohol for starters. You know I can't live without my vices. Also, you're right, a uniform everyday? I'd go mad (Slytherin mad). I definitely need a place where I can express my freedom and individuality with mass produced Nike's!

Now as far as our shedding the old identities and obtaining new ones this is perfect for reality tv. Not only will the edit dept. decide what kind of people we should be I've put some thought into it also. You can be the 'black woman who is bitter at the world for opressing her on so many different levels' and I'll be the 'Naive gay boy who doesn't understand why race is such a big deal, yet constantly mad at the world for thinking he is the typical gay (said with a lisp)' However we find common ground in Dance Dance Revolution. End scene.

Love,Matthew

PDB-
The only problem is, I'm Blackish, not Black. They'll want that"attitude" thing that Robert Townsend describes so well in his masterpiece "Hollywood Shuffle," and we all know that deep down, I'm white, sadly. But that's what comes of growing up in Kansas. Wait!That's it! Our reality show shall be called Growing Up Kansan, and we'll watch as two Kansans (us) try to make it in the big city. That way, we don't actually have to go to Kansas, and we'll still get to be on TV. And maybe, just maybe, there will be cookies....

Sincerely,Erin

Kansan Erin (for this is what we shall refer to one another during the show-no it's not awkward)-

I'm afriad, if there aren't cookies, I wont be doing anything! Now, I did have this plan to make you 'blacker' and it was going to be a lot of fun (since it wont be happening I wont dangle all the fun in front of you then take it away but it did involve a lot of kentucky fried chicken and possibly a rental of a hummer with rims) This is going to work! Now, do we know anyone in the entertainment, show producing, making random people famous arena? No. This could possibly be a problem. However, at my job I've learned to be a 'solution thinking' individual. I say we sleep with as many people as we possibly can and then we'll eventually sleep with someone who can help us. This process can also include cookies. Just fyi. (disclaimer: This photo was the only picture available at time of post, however there will be no women used in this sleep to become famous game)
-Kansan Matthew

Kansan Matthew,

This sounds like the best plan I've heard all day. Now go. Go sleeparound! But careful not to get crumbs in the bed.

Love,
Kansan Erin

Whatever happened to pogs?

Well when I was a bit younger I totally use to collect these useless things called: Pogs. Now the great thing about them was you just wanted as many as possible. You would gather later at night and go through all the cool ones you have in your pog holder tube. I remember always loving the skull ones. Not too sure what that tells me about my life, but meh. Anyway I was discussing with Jill about the absence of pogs and she said 'you seem like the type of person who would have all the cool accessories, etc. Um, hell yeah I did:

The neon tube, the numerous pogs, the slammers, and the SLAMMER BOARD! Mine was red in the cut out of a saw with an 8 ball painted onto it. I pretty much rocked. I wonder why I stopped collecting them......oh yeah, I'd look like the guy below if I hadn't:

The summer of high fives!

So I've noticed something I've been doing a lot recently. It's a high five. I searched and searched and SEARCHED for a picture of the Saved by the Bell high five-but alas the internet was not on my side. So I found a few images of high fives for you as an 'instruction manual' to your summer of high fives.

The classic, up in the air High Five:

A high five for freedom?!:

My favorite, the high five with cartoon characters:

Now, you may be wondering, 'When is it appropriate to do a High Five'? This is a good concern. You dont want to do it too much that you kill it before the summer is over. So here are the top 5 reasons to do a high five:

1 You just got laid

2 Say a witty joke "That's what she said."

3 Scoring a goal during a game

4 You shell out a fierce come back that usually involves an 'oooooooo'

5 You went to get ice cream and its 2-4-1 day!

******Virutal High Five***********

Vegetarian Thursdays

So I've been thinking. I should do 1 day a week where I don't eat meat. I watched this really disgusting video about how eating meat is horrible for you, for animals, and especially for the environment. Well. I was raised in kansas. I basically had chunks of steak in my cereal in the morning. I go to the fridge looking for meat:


I mean seriously. Every meal (except Breakfast) I have meat. It fills me up. It feels weird if it's not part of the meal. I dont feel as full as I should if there is no meat. Remember that saying, 'get some meat on your bones?' Well its very midwest and what, beans are going to put 'meat on my bones? NO, meat is going to put meat on my bones. But, with the way the world is going I've decided to go meatless for a day. I'm not requesting a metal (if you'd like to make one for me I wont disagree, but please engrave in gold on it 'Matthew is the best') but I need to blog about it so I make it happen. I need to get into my head that Thursdays are VEGETARIAN THURSDAYS from this point on. No more of this:

The blog about nothing.

I know, I know, I've been absent in your life. Well that's for 2 reasons. 1) I'm lazy and more importantly 2) I haven't really had time-my mom came to visit for 10 days and I was a go go go New Yorker. So then I was discussing about how I haven't blogged in awhile. I have 2 great blogs that I want to write about, but it involves a good amount of time at home on my computer-which I haven't had in awhile. But, I know my reading audience has started protesting outside my apt. for updates. So, I give in! Be prepared to be dazzingly bored. So winking. I hardly do it. In fact its quite awkward to do for me. I will tell you that I'm jealous of the people who can lift one eyebrow-I melt, super sexy. However people hardly wink. Maybe if I'm drunk and desperately trying to hit on someone and laying on the cheese extra thick, then maybe? However, when I'm online and texting I'm all about the wink. I'll say something obnoxious on gchat then insert the wink. When I'm flirting via text, I type in something cheesy (I know, so UNlike me) then BOOM end it with a wink. I'll end with an example. Me at bar, holding my cocktail, leaning over and saying 'Do you like crosswords? Cause I like to cross my words!' QUE WINK:

Yum

So, I went out last night. My mom is in town and through work we got free tickets to Xanadu (please google it if you haven't already) but we sponsored a show after and I got to give my mom some insight into the world that is Matt. Open Bar. Well, needless to say, I kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking. Then 1am rolls around and mom, alex, and I hop into a cab and call it a night. Well I popped out of bed and got ready for my day. I forgot my ipod and ended up in a train with loads of children, TWICE. I transfered to the local and I got another train car with kids! WTF? Anyway, I was rough around the edges. So what did I do? Something I hadn't done since the day after Halloween: I got dunkin Donuts. Now, I judge. You know this. The people who eat at Dunkin daily I can't understand. Seriously? Donuts everyday? Second, they're commercials are ridiculous. They bank off of ignorance. If people can't pronounce a cappuccino 1) Dont order it and 2) Dont be all annoying that others like their coffee a little different. But I got 3 donuts and it worked like a charm-hang over say goodbyeeeeeeee.

I'm white

So, I went to LA for the GLAAD Media Awards and I will blog about my whole experience - but there is something I wanted to write about before I got to that. This experience frustrated me enough that I decided it needs to be its own blog, so here it goes.

I'm white. This you can tell. Just take a look at me. I'm white. This would ideally just be another descriptor of how to describe me, but in the world today this 1 little adj. gets me more advantages in life. I realize that because I'm while I'm less likely to be a 'suspect' when driving late at night and get pulled over. This adj. gives me so many advantages that I'm not even aware of, but at the LAX airport tuesday I realized another one. I went through security with no problem. I was dressed 'normal' and spoke english. So as I walked by the security guards I glanced over and saw the 'random' line of people they stopped to search. There was fucking nothing random about it. It was total bullshit and it pissed me off. I saw every ethnicity in that little holding section except a white person. For some reason high ups in security think i'm less of a threat than other races. Racial profiling exists and its annoying. I use the word annoying because I dont have to deal with it, people that I know and people that I witness have to deal with it. So I just wanted to blog about it because I find it very frustrating that I get to wiz by security while those with darker skin tones than mine have to go through 1 extra step of proving that they aren't bringing on any dangerous items vs. me. Race is a made up thing. Discuss.

Apples (to Apples?)

So this post (as I'm sure you guessed) is about apples. Spring is in the air, and mark the date: I walked to work with NO jacket today. It's gorgeous out! This also means in New York that the fruit vendors are out in full force. See Below:

It's quite amazing. I always am a sucker for the bananas and the green apples. The red apples are to bitter for me, so I like the nice and sweet green ones. But this isn't a blog about how much I LOVE apples, in fact its my RANT about Green Apples. Here goes.

Green Apple, you are amazing. You taste so delicious. In fact I yern for you all winter (I dont like to buy you when you're not in season-for several reason 1. you taste just so so 2. I believe that we should only have fruit thats in season in the grocery stores this would 3. reduce a huge amount of gasoline used to ship produce cause 4 I can live without you for a season.) So that being said. Why do you rush me to eat you???? I love you and I want to take this slow, but you rush me into eating you. I just dont like that theres a time limit from the time I start biting into you until the time i need to be done. Can't we take this slow? I'd like to enjoy you all morning, not just the 5 min. since the first bite. If I dont eat you quickly you proteste and look like this:

Got time to kill?

So I decided to compile youtube videos that will give you a better understanding of how I came to be/the person I am today. Start at the beginning- I strategically placed them in order.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10w_sEcHlGs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ7K5hRQBEA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFKIN8P2hE8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzoNInZ2ClQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b7kWf6nXkc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QN6HseEovGg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOIKzdrsOGc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6UWR0kSFcE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7EqlVqZY1c

Pass me the ball I'm open.

So last evening was yet another night of Inner Tube Water Polo. This week we didn't play the ginormous agressive green giants. We played a team much more up to our par. There are only 4 teams, so unfortunately we are going to have to play the goliaths' again, but we played much more like a team last night. The scene looks a little like this:

Although, my team is much cooler, we're on blue poked dotted inner tubes, and the pool is half the size. I scored another 2 points. The game ended with the final score being 8-4. This time since I wasn't barfing a few hours before the game (like last week), Jill and I (as well as the whole team) went out for drinks to celebrate our victory. It's a fun group-all very different people and interesting to talk to. Jill and I got a bit drunk due to not eating crappy bar food (which actually looked delicious but swimsuit season is coming). Then tonight is my 'Junk' class. This class literally made me waddle for 4 days last week because I had never worked my lowerback/ass/inner thigh muscles like this woman forced me to. It was intense. So while you're doing whatever it is you do in the evenings imagine Me doing squats looking something like this:
Totally kidding, but at my gym: possible.

Jock Straps, Meixcan, and The View

So a lot has happened since my last post so I decided to lump it all into 1. This post is also inspired because I had a dear fan A FAN tell me my post was a good way to get witful Matt Conley humor. Yes, it's true-my friends make up words just like I do. HI SETH! So, lets start off with a funny story. My friend sean was organizing the Black Party. This is a party that has been going on for 29 years and is CRAZY. I mean so crazy I can hardly give details for those readers who are the weak at heart. I will let you know that the 'normal' outfit seen at this party looks like this:

While I was walking around looking something like this:

Which gives me another point, I made casserole! Kansas readers: did you know people on the East coast dont know what a casserole is, (said in heavy Kansas accent) they didn't have to scrap like we did in a hard time. Anywho the party was a 'success' and my eyes got open to a lot of things I never thought I'd ever see/were possible/would cringe about/dropped my jaw so many times/etc. Not my scene, but still very entertaining.

I had the dinner party at my place this Sunday. So I put this off, put this off longer, put this off even looooonger. To the point where I bought all the food and put it on my dishes and totally convinced them all that I made it! They had no idea I was napping 1 hour before they showed up. Thank god you can get anything delivered asap in New York. Four people canceled and I was all bothered, but I proceeded to vomit right after (didn't eat any of the food, so it wasn't me getting everyone sick) so I didn't mind that the night was short and quick. This night of vomit brings me to my next bullet:

Day time TV sucks. I watched the View, Desperate Housewives, Movies, etc. and realized I wasted my day away (with the exception of Ellen). However there was this episode of Desperate Housewives that reminded me of my Aunt Karen. This is the only woman (TV woman, not aunt) I like on the show, she's very chill, laid back, totally gets life, thus reminded me of my Aunt. I called her because there was this episode where she went out on the town with her 21 year old niece and it reminded her of me too! We have this connection and I know you're jealous ;)

My final update: Inner tube water polo. Jill and I joined the league. I'll just let these photos tell the story:

We looked like this getting into the water:

While the other team looked like this:

I kid you not, they were a real water polo league. We got dominated, but I was the MVP, for I scored the only 2 goals we got the whole game (the other team scored 12, wah wah waaaaah)

Rain Rain (Go away?)

So yesterday was a super Rainy Day here in New York. I'm taking time out from my busy work day to talk to you about Umbrella Etiquette. On rainy days its always sad because you find Umbrealls that weren't able to last the storm. Fallen soldiers if you will. You've seen them before, they look something like this:

Then I feel bad for all the soldiers with their malfunctioning weapons, like this:

But what I'm here to talk to you about is Umbrealla (ella ella A) Etiquette. When your surroundings look like this: (there are a few things that you need to do)
1) If you are walking, be aware that there others around you, you now are taking up almost 2x the space that you normally do.

2) If you're short, remember that your umbrella is at a perfect height for stabbing someone in the eye who is taller than you-say, i dont know, ME!

3) When walking on a small walkway tilt your umbrella halfway not to hit the other persons umbrella-if you equally tilt then everyone is happy and you sacrifice a little moisture for generosity, which is a good thing.

4) Don't invest in an umbrella, they are like international batons, they leave your hand as soon as they entered into it.

The day I dropped the ball.

So I work for Absolut. This much you know. We are in fact having a large GLAAD Media Award Show in NY in Times Square this coming Monday. I've been helping out, getting it all organized for this big Event. I've even gone through walk throughs to get visuals of where everything is going, etc. So I was in charge of getting these 'dummy' bottles ordered via Absolut. They were suppose to look something like this:

Empty 1 litre bottles. So today I get a call from some moving storage place saying they had a huge delivery for us. We were all confused in the office and headed down to the street to meet him with 3 dolly's prepared for whatever was headed our way. So I, turns out, ordered 30 of these:

GO TEAM MATTHEW!

Straw (berry fields forever)

So, I just got a large green iced tea from Starbucks and I wanted to blog about my straw experience. I got this really huge straw. It's enormous and green. I think they liked to match my green tea, or perhaps think that they're a 'green' company, even though the straw will end up in a land fill somewhere-but it's GREEN! Anywho, this straw is big, and really thick. It's in the top ranking of the pinkberry straws and randomly the Olive Garden straws. Now, if you've visited one of these venues you'd understand. These are sturdy straws, I almost feel bad throwing them away-like I should hold on to it for my future straw needs. It's like when you get something delivered or to go from a nice restaurant and they use top quality utensils and you feel like you should save them (even though they dont match any of your utensils) but they're disposable! Well, ok-enough of my straw blog, I should probably do some work.

WAIT

I just realized I miss crazy straws! I was going to input a photo of a straw (my blog has been missing visuals lately-and I know a straw picture is SO exciting) and I totally came across crazy straws! Oh, how i miss thee!

Blog I must

So last night I went to Erin's for a not-mafia-mafia-night. Yes, too many people sucked and canceled on us. So, we watched some wacked out tv show. Then Erin and I stumbled onto something that I find HILARIOUS, and she finds annoying. So, I forced her to send me the conversation that we had on gchat about it. Once I start speaking in 'yoda lingo' it's hard for me to stop. Thus, I have proof for your enjoyment:
(the 'me' is Erin and hopefully you can figure out who 'Matt' is)

Matt: if you could do my laundry that'd be great (said inoffice space monotone)

me: see, the thing is bobs, i have eight bosses, so my onlymotivation to not mess up is that i have to hear about it eight times

Matt: i'm thinking about promoting you....

me: aren't you supposed to be working

Matt: haha that's funny and yes i am, im a brilliant multi tasker

me: yes...

Matt: tres true

me: so cute are you

Matt: coming to your house for mafia i shall

me: cool that is

Matt: yoda is great he is (fucked that one up i did)

me: yes. you ruined it. RUINED!

Matt: ungrateful i am and ashamed you are

me: hunger i have

Matt: food you yern? stop giggling i can not

me: for food i DO yearn.

Matt: ate yogurt i did

me: making phone calls i am hate it, i do

Matt: looking like a fool giggling i do, errands i run
Matt: annoyed i am
having to re do things over and over again annoyed it makes me

me: agree i do

Matt: excited for mafia i am get my vest back i want

me: oh yeah. i have that for you.

Matt: boo, ruined the game you did

me: i know. it's because i'm hungry

Matt: lame you are, stop i can not, fun i am having

me: don't you do anything?

Matt: yes i've filtered 50 emails for our database, word counted our hits onblogs for absolut, shipped three boxes of holiday packages to LA, and called 15 people recruiting for a research study since 10 am thank you very much

bathroom i must go
Matt: back iam

Here's a second (cause I'm sure you enjoyed the first so much)

Matt: ugh i am so annoyed my boss is so unorganized and knows i organize fiercly thus he throws all this CRAP my way andexpects it to be perfect

me: annoyinh or something like it

Matt: yeah something similiar

man i sucked at mafia last night

me: yeah, but what can you do? ya win some and you lose some you were just so guilty from the get go

Matt: i just got too excited
its my personality that fucks me in the end

me: that's what she said

Matt: haha ;)

and ps. dork i am not

me: riiight

Matt: cute boy i would like to meet.

me: you and me both or, to say it in yoda, you and me both

Matt: i did realize once you said it out loud in front ofstrangers, a dork i did sound like:

me: a dork you ARE but a dork so am i

Matt: unite we shall

me: so annoying working is

Matt: agree i do

*********Stop reading my blog you will ;)****************

Poetry snap

So today will be quick, I decided to give you a piece of poetry I wrote in High School that got PUBLISHED in our literary magazine:

I'll give you a pen from the Holiday Inn

(yeah, I'm not sure why that got published either)

More deep thoughts another day.

24th, jager, neon, and DANCE

Yes, it's true. I turned 24 this past weekend. I celebrated by living 1 more year by apparently trying to kill myself. I went OUT. Thursday night (my actual bday) I met my family away from family (The Mindell's) and Chris at my favorite indian restaurant. It was fun, I love that place. I refer to it as Indian on Crack. LIGHTS GALORE. I was having a great time, sipping on wine, munching on delicious Indian.

Then...................

a topic came up that would affect my month of March. We all were discussing about our vices. Then I believe it was Mara's idea to make a bet to see if we could all go the whole month of March without our vice. We'd all put in 50 bucks and the winners at the end would split the earnings. So I gave up shopping (I can purchase things only at the grocery store or bar), Erin can't have sweets, Mara can't have catered food, Chris can't drink coffee, and Barret can't smoke. Now I am saddened to say that already Barret has failed...and then there were 4. I'll keep you updated on the progress. Except the 21st is a free day. Erin's bday-so we all get to enjoy our vice for that day.

So then Friday came along and my boss kicked me out of the office early and told me to get a jump start on my bday weekend. I was tempted to go to my place and start having a cocktail, but I decided being older and wiser I could hold off for a few hours. Now just to give you an idea of how much will power I have, there was tequila/jager/vodka/gin in the freezer and 2 six packs of heineken in the fridge and I didn't touch any of it. So my 23rd was a bit lame. I had just moved to the city and hardly knew any one. Plus everyone had to work the next day so I went out and found my own party (which I'm not opposed to do) but this year I wanted to have a crazier celebration. This was accomplished:

I told everyone that the theme would be crazy funky neon. They loved the theme, as did I. Now imagine us dressed as this, walking into a bar. Now, this bar wasn't particularly 'hey dress funky and neonish' needless to say people stared. I'm not sure if it was in a good way-but I really didn't mind. For 1 night and 1 night only I played the 'It's my birthday' excuse and I can do what I want, and I did. I made guys buy me drinks (unfortunately I made it very clear that I would not be needing their services any longer) haha. I was THAT guy. But only for 1 night, dont I get a 'get out of jail free card?' Come on.... no? FINE.

Then I recovered all Saturday and stayed in my bed until it was time to go out again. Mainly because I was recovering and mainly I was too scared to leave my apt. for fear that I might buy something. I have a problem and I'm aware of it. But what's the harm in 3 vases for my room? Whatever I guess I'll have to buy them April 1.

So then I headed out Saturday night again, but this time dressed a little more appropriately. Met up with my promoter friend, Eddie, who does stuff at this club called Kush. Alex and I (he's this guy I met out on the island this summer who we just randomly got reunited, and well, as you can tell its a long story-but he's cool and I pretend to be cool so cool people hang out.) were a hit with the ladies. The women at the front door loved us and 2 women we met inside were very upset that we weren't in the market for them. Always a little boost.

I'm going to take a moment really quick to talk about the word 'door', now most of you would just assume that this word is a normal everyday use word. Let me give you a little back story. I have been scared for life because of the spelling of this word. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in a 3rd grade spelling bee and I was the FIRST one out, for I, Matthew Conley, spelled it 'dorr'. I still slip up and attempt to spell it Dorr. I know. I'm pathetic. I'll give you my address so you can hunt me down and throw stones at me.

Anywho Sunday night was another day of not leaving the house really. Then Sunday night was our 2nd Dinner Club get together. Erin and I went to Brooklyn to have another night of discussion of subway stories, porn, and fireworks. I think since next month is at my place I'll have a much more structured conversation since I am interested in what these people have to talk about, but I feel like a chump just randomly asking-are you pro-Hilary or pro-Obama and if you're pro-the other guy GET OUT OF MY APT. but please tip me cause that wine wasn't free.

All in all 24 came in with a bang and I thank everyone who sent me well wishes. Older but not sure if I'm wiser-still hoping the day comes. ;)

The ants go marching 1 by 1

So today I ventured to do what all humans must do-the DMV. Yes, it's true. As all 2 of you remember from a previous blog of me basically losing my identity (physically, metaphorically, spiritually, etc.) I had to attempt to get a New York license today-since it expires on my bday tomorrow. Plus I can think of 1 billion other places I'd rather be on my bday than the DMV. Sooo, I did it today. 2 trips and 6 points of id: my birth certificate, ks license (had to register for a replacement), ssn, pay stub, w2 form, AND my debit card with photo on it FINALLY got me my New York License! This is very exciting to me. I had plans to travel the world for awhile and ended up staying in New York. I realized this summer it was the first time in a really long time that I had stopped day dreaming. In Kansas I had yerned for somewhere else, a life away (Kansas readers I will never deny my roots-they made me and I'm soo thankful for that) a land far off. So I've done that, and the moment I'd get back I wanted to do another trip. Then I came to New York and had plans to move soon again. But then I moved to Fire Island and my life changed. I found a community, a group, a network. I have always wanted this and I have had it in various forms-but I finally feel comfortable in a city where you can easily be sucked up and spit out. I even bought furniture to plant myself here for awhile. I'm really happy with that decision. I love New York and I can think of nowhere else I'd rather be for my early to mid 20s (24 is considered mid 20s? oh shit I'm getting older). I have great roommates, a family away from family, and amazing/cool/interesting friends. I mean I'd love for you all to move into my building-cause then I'd loooooove my life but for now I'll settle for a few less 'o's.

My next point-To give you another example of how I'm so impressionable, I was walking to the DMV earlier and these 2 construction workers were in front of me. I was busy thinking about tomorrow, what I'll do after work, what song is this on my ipod, cause it rocks. Then these two men take a right before the street. Now most would of put two and two together and realized they were entering into the building that was under construction and not follow. I on the other hand simply follow them like an ant does to the one in front of them-quickly to realize the terrain had changed and I had not worn the proper shoe attire for such an adventure-haha. So I got myself out of there and back to the sidewalk, but I couldn't stop laughing and thinking in my hed 'damn I AM impressionable'

This is usually when I would end my blog, and say something like 'have a good night' but I apparently do what everyone else does so what do YOU think I should end my blog with?

Who knew Fungus could grow on plants.

Yeah that's right. It apparently can. We have a rosemary plant in the office.

Rosemary (Rosmarinus officinalis) is a woody, perennial herb with fragrant evergreen needle-like leaves. It is native to the Mediterranean region. It is a member of the mint family Lamiaceae, which also includes many other herbs.

So this is the plant in front of me that I stare at in the office all day. It's not in a pot, because it wasn't getting any air or something so my boss put it in a trash can. So this thing has gone from a pot dying with no water, to a trash can now with fungus. Although I hate staring at this plant, every time I go to battle it with my hands I get a wiff of my hand and it smells so damn good so I retreat back to my desk to continue my work.

I enjoy plants. In fact I need some in my room. My boss told me I need 3, its no good to get plants in even numbers. So since I'm easily influenced, I am now in the market for 3 plants. I want to put them on my window seal, but I haven't decided which plants are cool/easily independent ie. get off the window seal and help themselves to the water in my sink.

I've also noticed that I always buy plants in the winter. That's because I correlate green with summer which also sparks happy thoughts. Thus my room is green. It's a peaceful color, and it makes me happy. Then when I have plants in my room I stare at them when I wake up, sitting in bed, staring aimlessly (which almost never happens) and it helps my seasonal 'rut'. So if you have any suggestions please feel free. I've already vetoed those plants you'll get in those stores with loads of crap-the bamboo'y' ones. Also although orchids are beautiful-they tend to hate me and die in protests of my lameness, so I'm at a loss. Perhaps a botanical lover out there who randomly reads my blog (why the hell are you reading my blog!) but please suggest a plant. Plant you and good night

As promised: (note the happiness)

7 minutes of HELL!

Well I've spruced up my blog, as you can tell. Then I go to type in my new title for today's blog and this one popped up and I decided that it was funny so I went for it. I actually dont have 7 minutes of HELL to talk about, hm wonder what this could be in reference to.....Perhaps it was the American Pie song. I mean thats a great song, but its really long.

Anyway on to the blog (I know you are excited)....

(Sidenote- I just realized I do THIS a lot, -or this- or .......this.....a lot....and sometimes even!THIS!)

This weekend was great. I got out of my funk. OH! I remember what my blog title WAS going to be 'Dance Dance......Revolution?' I went dancing sat. night and I loved it. So this is the blog about dancing. I love dancing, have I said that before? I do have to pride myself a little bit in that I dont dance like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z76MU5sQtGk
and I dont care what Bacardi says there is bad dancing. I'm no professional dancer, but I know how to 'boogie' if you will. I build up stress all week long and dancing lets me get that out. The blur of the lights, trance that I get in is something I'm addicted to. Now, I'm not addicted to drugs or anything of the sorts but when I'm out dancing-had a few cocktails and hear a great song, I get such a high on that feeling. I'll even prove it with photos of me on the dance floor when I get home tonight. But my point if you've missed it thus far is that I love dancing. So go.....dance....and be merry.

Ramblings from Matthew

So I was told to blog, even though I don't have anything to blog about, but that didn't seem to mind the person who requested me to blog. Thus I'm going to keep this up today while I'm working and add in things that pop in my head 'blog worthy'

Well its snowing out, like Sweden snowing out-but I'm glad to know global warming hasn't completely killed the world.

Sometimes my job bores me, they underutilize me. But then I realize I get paid by the hour so I stop complaining.

I can't lick envelopes, it grosses me out. So if you ever get a letter from me, it'll have tape on the back.

At any other job a coworker saying they had a 'dirty' dream about you last night would be means for sexual harrasement. At my work, it just boosted my ego for the day.

I like it when grown people use the word 'silly' and 'giggle'

I love that I can practically get anything delivered in New York.

I'm happy that my 'turning the light off in the bathroom' movement has caught on, yay conserving energy.

I miss the stars. Kansas has so much sky and nothing compares to a clear night in summer in Kansas.

If I ever own a house, it needs to have a porch.

Man I'm bored

Why the hell did I come into work today?

I wonder what people think about me. I hardly show who I truly am to many.

I'm really impressionable, this guy just randomly came into our office with menus for sushi and now I want sushi for lunch. Bah you marketers! Wait....I am one.

Why can't grown up throw tantrums (sp?) anymore?

I could use some extra money for my furniture. Spending money on it is annoying.

I could go for a fireplace and a movie right about now.

I need a subway sandwich and I need it now.

I'm really excited for this weekend. Margaritas at my house with Erin tonight then crazy amount of hip hop in Brooklyn Saturday night. Hm, I wonder what I'll do Sunday?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/02/04/ED5OUPQJ7.DTL

Ok I'm bored of this....and I bet you are too.

Lets let photos say it all:

VERSUS: