Naps with Erin

Hello All-

Now Erin sleeps over sometime. In case some of you don't know who she is, well, it's not that important. Anywho 'this girl' sleeps over at my place sometimes. I like it. She's enjoyable, and I like the company in bed. Now, I know what you're thinking: wasn't he.......

....well yes I am. This is why this presents a problem. Well I let her sleep over under one condition. I get to build a barrier. It's actually more than a barrier, it looks something like this:


Because I know what she secretly wants which is this:

Erin and I were bored at work, and you benefited....

My dearest Erin-

I have drafted this note to you in order to tell you that I'm quitting my life and moving to Hogwarts. I'm tired of my boring life that involves me moving papers around, shipping things to people, socializing with people I dont really care for, and drinking. Well, let's hope Hogwarts has some great booze, otherwise I'm not going.

Now, I know what you're thinking! This is why I decided to email you and inform you of this decision. Yes! A million times YES! You are MORE than welcome to join me on this adventure. In fact I hope you do, for that train ride looks scary and I don't want to do it alone. Think of it you + me + magic!

Now, comes the part where we have to decide which type of wizards' we want to be. I am shedding this life and with it, my personality (why are you applauding?). So I'm up for suggestions on what type of person to be in the future. All I know is that I don't want to be the red headed one. For I do not like red heads. Except the one from Will and Grace, she's pretty. Enough! That was our old life, no more referencing reality tv shows, the friends we associated with, and a benefit to the both us: our past sexual escapades!

Dear Play Doh Boy,

I recognize your desire to get away from it all (especially the redheads of the world), but really, do you think this is the bests olution? Hogwarts is a boarding school, so I'm sure there's more cocaine than alcohol, and I know you don't like to be away from absolut for too long.

Besides, I've seen the movies, and there only seems to be one or two minorities (although the way Hermione's hair is, she's definitely gotsome coffee in her milk), and now that you live in Harlem, me thinksyou'll miss the colorful palette of humans and Nikes alike.

Alas, if you're set on going to Hogwarts, I'll of course go with you. We'll join the Slytherins, and I shall shed my sunshiny demeanor and torture people by feeding on their insecurities and making them cry themselves to sleep at night. It'll be just like high school all over again. I shall call you Mr. Biggems and you shall wear an eye patch.

Of course, there is still time to reconsider. Maybe instead, we should move to Chicago and be on Dance TV with Sarah Jessica Parker....

Love,Erin

Erin-

As I do in life quite often I have changed my mind. Instead I think you and I shall become reality tv stars. This way you get to be what you've always wanted to be: famous for no reason and I will get laaaaaid.

This way I can have cocaine AND alcohol for starters. You know I can't live without my vices. Also, you're right, a uniform everyday? I'd go mad (Slytherin mad). I definitely need a place where I can express my freedom and individuality with mass produced Nike's!

Now as far as our shedding the old identities and obtaining new ones this is perfect for reality tv. Not only will the edit dept. decide what kind of people we should be I've put some thought into it also. You can be the 'black woman who is bitter at the world for opressing her on so many different levels' and I'll be the 'Naive gay boy who doesn't understand why race is such a big deal, yet constantly mad at the world for thinking he is the typical gay (said with a lisp)' However we find common ground in Dance Dance Revolution. End scene.

Love,Matthew

PDB-
The only problem is, I'm Blackish, not Black. They'll want that"attitude" thing that Robert Townsend describes so well in his masterpiece "Hollywood Shuffle," and we all know that deep down, I'm white, sadly. But that's what comes of growing up in Kansas. Wait!That's it! Our reality show shall be called Growing Up Kansan, and we'll watch as two Kansans (us) try to make it in the big city. That way, we don't actually have to go to Kansas, and we'll still get to be on TV. And maybe, just maybe, there will be cookies....

Sincerely,Erin

Kansan Erin (for this is what we shall refer to one another during the show-no it's not awkward)-

I'm afriad, if there aren't cookies, I wont be doing anything! Now, I did have this plan to make you 'blacker' and it was going to be a lot of fun (since it wont be happening I wont dangle all the fun in front of you then take it away but it did involve a lot of kentucky fried chicken and possibly a rental of a hummer with rims) This is going to work! Now, do we know anyone in the entertainment, show producing, making random people famous arena? No. This could possibly be a problem. However, at my job I've learned to be a 'solution thinking' individual. I say we sleep with as many people as we possibly can and then we'll eventually sleep with someone who can help us. This process can also include cookies. Just fyi. (disclaimer: This photo was the only picture available at time of post, however there will be no women used in this sleep to become famous game)
-Kansan Matthew

Kansan Matthew,

This sounds like the best plan I've heard all day. Now go. Go sleeparound! But careful not to get crumbs in the bed.

Love,
Kansan Erin

Whatever happened to pogs?

Well when I was a bit younger I totally use to collect these useless things called: Pogs. Now the great thing about them was you just wanted as many as possible. You would gather later at night and go through all the cool ones you have in your pog holder tube. I remember always loving the skull ones. Not too sure what that tells me about my life, but meh. Anyway I was discussing with Jill about the absence of pogs and she said 'you seem like the type of person who would have all the cool accessories, etc. Um, hell yeah I did:

The neon tube, the numerous pogs, the slammers, and the SLAMMER BOARD! Mine was red in the cut out of a saw with an 8 ball painted onto it. I pretty much rocked. I wonder why I stopped collecting them......oh yeah, I'd look like the guy below if I hadn't:

The summer of high fives!

So I've noticed something I've been doing a lot recently. It's a high five. I searched and searched and SEARCHED for a picture of the Saved by the Bell high five-but alas the internet was not on my side. So I found a few images of high fives for you as an 'instruction manual' to your summer of high fives.

The classic, up in the air High Five:

A high five for freedom?!:

My favorite, the high five with cartoon characters:

Now, you may be wondering, 'When is it appropriate to do a High Five'? This is a good concern. You dont want to do it too much that you kill it before the summer is over. So here are the top 5 reasons to do a high five:

1 You just got laid

2 Say a witty joke "That's what she said."

3 Scoring a goal during a game

4 You shell out a fierce come back that usually involves an 'oooooooo'

5 You went to get ice cream and its 2-4-1 day!

******Virutal High Five***********

Vegetarian Thursdays

So I've been thinking. I should do 1 day a week where I don't eat meat. I watched this really disgusting video about how eating meat is horrible for you, for animals, and especially for the environment. Well. I was raised in kansas. I basically had chunks of steak in my cereal in the morning. I go to the fridge looking for meat:


I mean seriously. Every meal (except Breakfast) I have meat. It fills me up. It feels weird if it's not part of the meal. I dont feel as full as I should if there is no meat. Remember that saying, 'get some meat on your bones?' Well its very midwest and what, beans are going to put 'meat on my bones? NO, meat is going to put meat on my bones. But, with the way the world is going I've decided to go meatless for a day. I'm not requesting a metal (if you'd like to make one for me I wont disagree, but please engrave in gold on it 'Matthew is the best') but I need to blog about it so I make it happen. I need to get into my head that Thursdays are VEGETARIAN THURSDAYS from this point on. No more of this:

The blog about nothing.

I know, I know, I've been absent in your life. Well that's for 2 reasons. 1) I'm lazy and more importantly 2) I haven't really had time-my mom came to visit for 10 days and I was a go go go New Yorker. So then I was discussing about how I haven't blogged in awhile. I have 2 great blogs that I want to write about, but it involves a good amount of time at home on my computer-which I haven't had in awhile. But, I know my reading audience has started protesting outside my apt. for updates. So, I give in! Be prepared to be dazzingly bored. So winking. I hardly do it. In fact its quite awkward to do for me. I will tell you that I'm jealous of the people who can lift one eyebrow-I melt, super sexy. However people hardly wink. Maybe if I'm drunk and desperately trying to hit on someone and laying on the cheese extra thick, then maybe? However, when I'm online and texting I'm all about the wink. I'll say something obnoxious on gchat then insert the wink. When I'm flirting via text, I type in something cheesy (I know, so UNlike me) then BOOM end it with a wink. I'll end with an example. Me at bar, holding my cocktail, leaning over and saying 'Do you like crosswords? Cause I like to cross my words!' QUE WINK:

Yum

So, I went out last night. My mom is in town and through work we got free tickets to Xanadu (please google it if you haven't already) but we sponsored a show after and I got to give my mom some insight into the world that is Matt. Open Bar. Well, needless to say, I kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking. Then 1am rolls around and mom, alex, and I hop into a cab and call it a night. Well I popped out of bed and got ready for my day. I forgot my ipod and ended up in a train with loads of children, TWICE. I transfered to the local and I got another train car with kids! WTF? Anyway, I was rough around the edges. So what did I do? Something I hadn't done since the day after Halloween: I got dunkin Donuts. Now, I judge. You know this. The people who eat at Dunkin daily I can't understand. Seriously? Donuts everyday? Second, they're commercials are ridiculous. They bank off of ignorance. If people can't pronounce a cappuccino 1) Dont order it and 2) Dont be all annoying that others like their coffee a little different. But I got 3 donuts and it worked like a charm-hang over say goodbyeeeeeeee.