Yum

So, I went out last night. My mom is in town and through work we got free tickets to Xanadu (please google it if you haven't already) but we sponsored a show after and I got to give my mom some insight into the world that is Matt. Open Bar. Well, needless to say, I kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking. Then 1am rolls around and mom, alex, and I hop into a cab and call it a night. Well I popped out of bed and got ready for my day. I forgot my ipod and ended up in a train with loads of children, TWICE. I transfered to the local and I got another train car with kids! WTF? Anyway, I was rough around the edges. So what did I do? Something I hadn't done since the day after Halloween: I got dunkin Donuts. Now, I judge. You know this. The people who eat at Dunkin daily I can't understand. Seriously? Donuts everyday? Second, they're commercials are ridiculous. They bank off of ignorance. If people can't pronounce a cappuccino 1) Dont order it and 2) Dont be all annoying that others like their coffee a little different. But I got 3 donuts and it worked like a charm-hang over say goodbyeeeeeeee.

I'm white

So, I went to LA for the GLAAD Media Awards and I will blog about my whole experience - but there is something I wanted to write about before I got to that. This experience frustrated me enough that I decided it needs to be its own blog, so here it goes.

I'm white. This you can tell. Just take a look at me. I'm white. This would ideally just be another descriptor of how to describe me, but in the world today this 1 little adj. gets me more advantages in life. I realize that because I'm while I'm less likely to be a 'suspect' when driving late at night and get pulled over. This adj. gives me so many advantages that I'm not even aware of, but at the LAX airport tuesday I realized another one. I went through security with no problem. I was dressed 'normal' and spoke english. So as I walked by the security guards I glanced over and saw the 'random' line of people they stopped to search. There was fucking nothing random about it. It was total bullshit and it pissed me off. I saw every ethnicity in that little holding section except a white person. For some reason high ups in security think i'm less of a threat than other races. Racial profiling exists and its annoying. I use the word annoying because I dont have to deal with it, people that I know and people that I witness have to deal with it. So I just wanted to blog about it because I find it very frustrating that I get to wiz by security while those with darker skin tones than mine have to go through 1 extra step of proving that they aren't bringing on any dangerous items vs. me. Race is a made up thing. Discuss.

Apples (to Apples?)

So this post (as I'm sure you guessed) is about apples. Spring is in the air, and mark the date: I walked to work with NO jacket today. It's gorgeous out! This also means in New York that the fruit vendors are out in full force. See Below:

It's quite amazing. I always am a sucker for the bananas and the green apples. The red apples are to bitter for me, so I like the nice and sweet green ones. But this isn't a blog about how much I LOVE apples, in fact its my RANT about Green Apples. Here goes.

Green Apple, you are amazing. You taste so delicious. In fact I yern for you all winter (I dont like to buy you when you're not in season-for several reason 1. you taste just so so 2. I believe that we should only have fruit thats in season in the grocery stores this would 3. reduce a huge amount of gasoline used to ship produce cause 4 I can live without you for a season.) So that being said. Why do you rush me to eat you???? I love you and I want to take this slow, but you rush me into eating you. I just dont like that theres a time limit from the time I start biting into you until the time i need to be done. Can't we take this slow? I'd like to enjoy you all morning, not just the 5 min. since the first bite. If I dont eat you quickly you proteste and look like this:

Got time to kill?

So I decided to compile youtube videos that will give you a better understanding of how I came to be/the person I am today. Start at the beginning- I strategically placed them in order.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10w_sEcHlGs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ7K5hRQBEA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFKIN8P2hE8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzoNInZ2ClQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b7kWf6nXkc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QN6HseEovGg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOIKzdrsOGc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6UWR0kSFcE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7EqlVqZY1c

Pass me the ball I'm open.

So last evening was yet another night of Inner Tube Water Polo. This week we didn't play the ginormous agressive green giants. We played a team much more up to our par. There are only 4 teams, so unfortunately we are going to have to play the goliaths' again, but we played much more like a team last night. The scene looks a little like this:

Although, my team is much cooler, we're on blue poked dotted inner tubes, and the pool is half the size. I scored another 2 points. The game ended with the final score being 8-4. This time since I wasn't barfing a few hours before the game (like last week), Jill and I (as well as the whole team) went out for drinks to celebrate our victory. It's a fun group-all very different people and interesting to talk to. Jill and I got a bit drunk due to not eating crappy bar food (which actually looked delicious but swimsuit season is coming). Then tonight is my 'Junk' class. This class literally made me waddle for 4 days last week because I had never worked my lowerback/ass/inner thigh muscles like this woman forced me to. It was intense. So while you're doing whatever it is you do in the evenings imagine Me doing squats looking something like this:
Totally kidding, but at my gym: possible.

Jock Straps, Meixcan, and The View

So a lot has happened since my last post so I decided to lump it all into 1. This post is also inspired because I had a dear fan A FAN tell me my post was a good way to get witful Matt Conley humor. Yes, it's true-my friends make up words just like I do. HI SETH! So, lets start off with a funny story. My friend sean was organizing the Black Party. This is a party that has been going on for 29 years and is CRAZY. I mean so crazy I can hardly give details for those readers who are the weak at heart. I will let you know that the 'normal' outfit seen at this party looks like this:

While I was walking around looking something like this:

Which gives me another point, I made casserole! Kansas readers: did you know people on the East coast dont know what a casserole is, (said in heavy Kansas accent) they didn't have to scrap like we did in a hard time. Anywho the party was a 'success' and my eyes got open to a lot of things I never thought I'd ever see/were possible/would cringe about/dropped my jaw so many times/etc. Not my scene, but still very entertaining.

I had the dinner party at my place this Sunday. So I put this off, put this off longer, put this off even looooonger. To the point where I bought all the food and put it on my dishes and totally convinced them all that I made it! They had no idea I was napping 1 hour before they showed up. Thank god you can get anything delivered asap in New York. Four people canceled and I was all bothered, but I proceeded to vomit right after (didn't eat any of the food, so it wasn't me getting everyone sick) so I didn't mind that the night was short and quick. This night of vomit brings me to my next bullet:

Day time TV sucks. I watched the View, Desperate Housewives, Movies, etc. and realized I wasted my day away (with the exception of Ellen). However there was this episode of Desperate Housewives that reminded me of my Aunt Karen. This is the only woman (TV woman, not aunt) I like on the show, she's very chill, laid back, totally gets life, thus reminded me of my Aunt. I called her because there was this episode where she went out on the town with her 21 year old niece and it reminded her of me too! We have this connection and I know you're jealous ;)

My final update: Inner tube water polo. Jill and I joined the league. I'll just let these photos tell the story:

We looked like this getting into the water:

While the other team looked like this:

I kid you not, they were a real water polo league. We got dominated, but I was the MVP, for I scored the only 2 goals we got the whole game (the other team scored 12, wah wah waaaaah)

Rain Rain (Go away?)

So yesterday was a super Rainy Day here in New York. I'm taking time out from my busy work day to talk to you about Umbrella Etiquette. On rainy days its always sad because you find Umbrealls that weren't able to last the storm. Fallen soldiers if you will. You've seen them before, they look something like this:

Then I feel bad for all the soldiers with their malfunctioning weapons, like this:

But what I'm here to talk to you about is Umbrealla (ella ella A) Etiquette. When your surroundings look like this: (there are a few things that you need to do)
1) If you are walking, be aware that there others around you, you now are taking up almost 2x the space that you normally do.

2) If you're short, remember that your umbrella is at a perfect height for stabbing someone in the eye who is taller than you-say, i dont know, ME!

3) When walking on a small walkway tilt your umbrella halfway not to hit the other persons umbrella-if you equally tilt then everyone is happy and you sacrifice a little moisture for generosity, which is a good thing.

4) Don't invest in an umbrella, they are like international batons, they leave your hand as soon as they entered into it.